for some reason,
I do not feel good today. Not just like physically good, just emotionally good. I feel like things in life just arent coming to a head. It's like there are open end points just waiting to be either tied off or started. I am surrounded by mass amounts of information and doings. Multiple entertainment venues, good friends, videogames, On-demand cable TV, computer sites, personal websites and even a true passion for Jeeps....but, all these things just do not add up. Its like something of me is missing. The overall general scheme of things. The core of the apple is missing.
I fight with myself many times about what to do in life. I ask myself why I am lazy in the fact that when I go home I do not want to do anything. I have been asked out on dates, set up dates over the phone and still, I do not follow through with things on my end. I have no concept of time I guess. I dont phone them back or I just plain ignore their calls...am I worried that they will never speak to me again? No! When it boils down to me actually having a chance to spend with someone of the opposite sex....I find other things to do. Its like I know its a waste of money and my time to even go and have dinner with someone new. This is where my past hurts me. I begin to think about certain relationships that I have had in the past. I become introverted and think only of the good times and exclude the bad. Then, its like I wait for something to magically happen and I will be happy again. This is never the case. It seems that once I get into a new relationship, things are good...things are great....once they get there. Then, I am bored. Its like I know I am not going to be with the person and I think about how much money I have wasted over the past x amount of time....then, wham! I get down again. It's a vicious cycle of avoidance.
Everyone says "quit looking for someone" or "you just havent met the right woman yet"...well, these two statements are totally false. Neither one speaks of something that I do. Yes, I have done them in the past....but the past few months, I have not. The scenario of there being a "right woman for me" is bullshit as well. I do not believe there is only one person for everyone. I think some people dont have a "right" person for them. Complexity and intuition based upon the feelings and emotions that we develop over our lifetimes, is what causes us to "find that one special person". Is it a bond or a closeness that we all "think" we need? I could do fine in life alone. Somedays, I think that I will be living my life that way. Other days, I disagree with that. Its all too complex to think about. Hell, maybe I just think to much and worry about the little things....several of you might say that....but I dont think that is fair for one person to say to another when each one has been brought up different. I appreciate the support everyone has for me. I miss some people in my life I have to admit. Special characteristics about them will never be forgotten...sounds like a sappy love song eh?
Anywho, I just feel weird today..I have a feeling of wanting to be alone. No communication, no calls, nothingness.....
The Hermit.
I fight with myself many times about what to do in life. I ask myself why I am lazy in the fact that when I go home I do not want to do anything. I have been asked out on dates, set up dates over the phone and still, I do not follow through with things on my end. I have no concept of time I guess. I dont phone them back or I just plain ignore their calls...am I worried that they will never speak to me again? No! When it boils down to me actually having a chance to spend with someone of the opposite sex....I find other things to do. Its like I know its a waste of money and my time to even go and have dinner with someone new. This is where my past hurts me. I begin to think about certain relationships that I have had in the past. I become introverted and think only of the good times and exclude the bad. Then, its like I wait for something to magically happen and I will be happy again. This is never the case. It seems that once I get into a new relationship, things are good...things are great....once they get there. Then, I am bored. Its like I know I am not going to be with the person and I think about how much money I have wasted over the past x amount of time....then, wham! I get down again. It's a vicious cycle of avoidance.
Everyone says "quit looking for someone" or "you just havent met the right woman yet"...well, these two statements are totally false. Neither one speaks of something that I do. Yes, I have done them in the past....but the past few months, I have not. The scenario of there being a "right woman for me" is bullshit as well. I do not believe there is only one person for everyone. I think some people dont have a "right" person for them. Complexity and intuition based upon the feelings and emotions that we develop over our lifetimes, is what causes us to "find that one special person". Is it a bond or a closeness that we all "think" we need? I could do fine in life alone. Somedays, I think that I will be living my life that way. Other days, I disagree with that. Its all too complex to think about. Hell, maybe I just think to much and worry about the little things....several of you might say that....but I dont think that is fair for one person to say to another when each one has been brought up different. I appreciate the support everyone has for me. I miss some people in my life I have to admit. Special characteristics about them will never be forgotten...sounds like a sappy love song eh?
Anywho, I just feel weird today..I have a feeling of wanting to be alone. No communication, no calls, nothingness.....
The Hermit.
Dear Hermit,
I think you're thinking waaay too much. Sometimes, it's hard not to though, I can understand that. There is a lot more that can be said, but this might be one of those times that saying things doesn't really help. Realization seems to come along when you least expect it. Maybe it's not based on love, or relationships or that kind of thing. Maybe it's based on the other side of you and what you have to offer and what you need to do. What do you need to do? I don't know. It's hard to see sometimes. I still think the meaning of life is happiness, but what works for me might not work for you. It's hard to be happy sometimes. As much as anyone else can be when it comes to things like this, I'm here for you.
Posted by
Byagi |
9:17 AM
Hey, B., there is no such thing as happiness. There is a whole of lot of un-fucked up-edness; but there is no happiness
Cam is just going through a little "blue" period after all the excitement and stress of moving and whatnot and he no longer has any distractions in his life to keep him from looking at what he thinks might be missing. Forget about what is missing and enjoy what you have in the moment.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:18 AM
Anonymous (Nick?) was right on the go with the happy and live with what you've got right now part of things, but I don't believe the beginning part. I absolutely believe there is happiness. No, it's not the happily ever after happiness. I think people believe that happiness has to be astounding and something that sweeps you off your feet. It doesn't. It can be simple and it can be something very small. It isn't a constant, and it isn't something you should take for granted. Whatever comes next could be worse. It could easily disappear. I just don't sweat things out and worry all the time. It does me no good. I'd rather live a life that isn't complicated and full of whatever kind of happiness I can get. To each their own, I guess.
Posted by
Byagi |
3:19 PM