Before I begin...
There will never be another posting like this again...because this is too personal...and I should never be put in this situation on the House of Cam again.
I feel right now in my given time that I need to tell you all some things. I do not ask for comments but feel free to post them. Please do realize that this is my BLOG, my opinions, my thoughts. What I am going to say will be hard to handle for some of you, others, it will bring them a sense of understanding (whether they can relate, or whether it is just more insight to ol Cameron). I feel like it is time that I get all of this off my chest and become one with it. I really don't want questions about what I say in this post or do not ask to be contacted about any of this....it is soley water for a burning mind.
So without further ado, here is part of the real me....
Life takes it's toll on each and everyone of us. Relationships come and go with time, but many of them have a way of staying put. They seem to wander in this void of not knowing or dwelling on "could have's and should have's". Let's face it, these are the toughest and the most complex toll on our consciousness we can endeavor. It has to do with a feeling of love, caring and the human intuition of wanting to be accepted. We all do things in relationships that we sometimes regret doing. Many times the whole relationship is looked at as a regret. But why? I do not regret any of my relationships, I can only say that I have learned from them. I seem to learn more and more about me and how I want to live my life. Let's face it...if you don't love you then who can you love. (this makes more sense everyday).
I thrive in my solitude. I have had to learn what it is like to have no one due to many things that happened to me as a child. (thank you dad for all your generous cuttings..you really know how to show how you care! - you fuck!)
Sorry, that was a tangent....anyway, back to what I was saying...
I thrive in my mystery. My intuitive nature that draws people in, becomes the suck for my own salvation. I think that from the many emotions and the paths that my life has taken; I have turned out to be one hell of a guy. I have worked for my everything, graduated college with a 4.0, own my own house, own my cars, enjoy a frivolous lifestyle, and yet I find that I am ..... alone. These things seem materialistic in nature, complex in undertakings, and important to many.
When you have experienced life through my eyes, you will then know that none of these things listed above are existent to me. I am alone in my own mind. We all are, some of us just never choose to accept it. I have accepted it, dwindled in it and have asked for it to show me more. I want to know more about me. What makes me tick? What is it inside of me that makes me more Cameron everyday...It is in these times that I sit back and I think about my experiences in life, my family, my friends, my goals and compassions, but generally, my relationships are the ones that uncover the most.
My past relationships are something I don't like to speak of. Whether it be a high school thing, the one I just got out of, or the one I was married into. (that last one would be a totally differnt Blog!...LOL!). I dont speak of relationships because they mean the most to me. I am not going to point to any specific relationship, but generally speaking, I will answer a lot of questions asked of me.
Shit....where to begin?...I think the easiest thing for me to do is take this in sections....
I guess i could break them down into categories ..... mind you, this will end up one huge fucking post when this is done....so stick in there with me!
The categories:
- the beginnings
- the realizations
- the aftermath
part 1: the beginnings
the beginnings of relationships are the best. The first kiss, the inhibitions, the wonderful feelings of courting a mate...ah... Just makes someone feel like they are on top of the world. It's funny during these times because we do things that we normally wouldnt do..and we dont think twice about it. I myself show a side to me that is very fun and lavishly enthralled. I have a tendency to go overboard on anything just to be with someone...just to impress a side of them. It's that side that each and everyone of us want..we want our curiousity to be settled. I am very curious in a relationship. I can stay up for hours on the phone, say things I dont really mean and even act a part, just to fill a gap in their lives. That is apart of who I am. I have mentioned that I am water sign - the Pisces. We surround things and adapt to things, the yen and the yang of the zodiac, the emotionally ironic meets the inhabitants of intuition. We dream the biggest dreams, and love to go where we go in our minds...we escape from the true harshness of reality. This seems irrelevant to most, but in dealing with someone like me on a relationship level, one has to be honest and not float away with me into my dreamland. The instant it is tread upon in the wrong way...the tides turn and the relationship will not last. The truth is, the key to a relationship with me doesnt lie in the comformity of your world. It becomes a mesh of understanding between both worlds. The beginnings are the best time to be with someone like me..... Things that are out of reach or seem impossible are made possible because I want them to be. I want to bring that someone into my dreamland and let them see what I have to offer. The problems only occur when they try to take that away from me or allow me not to do it anymore.
This is also the time when you take on the role of family. From the first get go, you are either accepted into a family or rejected through your current affairs. Judgement is passed based upon your looks, your upbringings, your job...hell, even your hair color and tattoos. Now, this can get even worse when someone brings in morals and religion. Each and everyone of us are raised with our own set of beliefs...I am not one to push mine onto you, nor should you push yours on mine. I respect that you have your ideals of life and your path...problems occur when they are conflicting to mine and you make a deal out of it. I am not one to ever make a deal out of these issues unless suddenly, you have to try and mesh yours with mine. We are humans - we are individual thinkers - we are at the justice of our own intuitions...keep yours to yourself as I do mine. Discussion is a different story...we can always discuss as long as our minds are open and our thoughts do not feed our underlying ego.
part 2: the realization
the realizations can prob. take up the most room here in this post so I will try to keep it to the point. Let's do a break down of the word itself. It contains the word "REAL" "I" "and the rest doesnt fucking matter-Zation". I explained earlier that the REAL part of life is tough for me sometimes. I have a hard time thinking that the people that say "I love you" or have an emotional tie with me outside of family and friends, that they honestly do. I have been through a lot with my childhood and my marriage that went to shit. Divorce is a bitch, and would never recommend it to anyone unless it was something that had to be. The realization that people come into the relationship is the fact that two people had something in common when they met. They altered their ways to suit another and suddenly, they find that the alterations are now slapped in their face. You may enjoy spending time with this person but you realize that you need others as well. I love my friends..spending time with them, drinkin a cold beer, and even baby-sitting their kids. I also want someone who knows that I enjoy these things and want to continue them in life. Hopefully, as a couple in a relationship, you develop friends that are couple friends, single friends, and even friends of the opposite sex. The realization comes when all of those other "surrounding beings" arent allowed to co-exist with your relationship with your loved one. This is like saying "I know what you used to like to do and how you used to do it, but now I exist only for you...." This is a harsh way of dealing with someone that you fell in love with however many months/years/days ago. This is the part of relationships that I stray from. I have a tendency to separate myself from this situation. If I feel like part of my life is being taken from me...I usually dont just come out and say it. I walk from it, block it out and inadvertingly, leave it behind. I have been known to be in a relationship that seemingly is going well to everyone. Where deep down inside I have already left it behind, due to lack of communication and lack of willingness to allow me to continue to be me. I think a lot of you know what I mean when I say this, but some are few to admit it. I dont want to go to far into this aspect of my relationships. This is when things become very jaded and foggy for me. Most of my relationships with the exception of a prize few have ended because of this. It's the idea of someone wanting to change something about someone else that really pisses me off. There is no way in the world that I would ever attempt this. Why would I? You have a life as well, and its not my place to tell you how to live it. This leads me into part 3 - the aftermath...the most painful and yet intriguing phase of it all.
part 3: the aftermath
The aftermath can be defined as anything after the relationship has ended. There is a time in every one's life that they will go through this. The level of extreme depends on the situation that was given up. The core focus of the relationship now resides in the hands of your own ego. You can now look back and appreciate things and learn from them or you can be the thorn in that persons side. I have a trait about me that I can forget almost anything the instant I have let go. Some say that it is a cold trait, others, think this is another way to try to get back with me. Deluded they are they have no idea that they do not exist to me anymore. This includes thier friends/family. They simply become an another person I have never met before. I never met them, I never had a relationship with them, nor will I ever again. This is when the shit hits the fan generally. I dont like to be like this, but when one hurts me so much I have to kill you off in my mind. You were nothing. You made no impact on my life. This part of the relationship is also a comedy though. If you think about all the immature things that we as people do to one another after a break-up..it is quite funny. Some choose to persue, some choose jealousy, while others choose violence. I do not choose any of these paths listed above. As stated before, you simply do not exist. The likely of a friendship even with me is rare if I categorize you in this manner. Maybe one day we will meet again, but I am not looking forward to it. This is just a way of separation and the symetrics of my mind. It's how I find out who I am and how I deal with things that have yet to come. Amazing it is to me, and yet its very sad. I live in my world most of time trying to escape all of these things. The aftermath is a parallel plane of thinking that was once inhabited, but now is no longer. One can only see the side that they believe in. One can only change or alter if they choose to do this. One can only be guided by one.....and maybe one day, I will have my one..., in the meantime though...I think I will just continue to be ol Cameron!
enlighten you mind ~ don't live somewhere you shouldn't be ~ find your light in the darkest of dreams...
cameron
