I have to say
something. I was thinking the past few days about this whole BLOG thing...It's pretty kewl, and yet you really put yourself out there when you post something on here. It got me thinking about some of my previous posts. One in particular I thought about. It was the one where an ex's brother in law had a few things to say. Then my friends stood up and posted their comments about what all he said. I have to say thanks for the support.
I also have something else to say about it though. I think I need to talk about what I ment by saying "you are dead to me, or that time never existed". Well, in saying this, I didnt mean that I forgot everything we all did together. The holidays, the birthdays, the cruise and even just hangin out. I made that statement only for myself. I have to close off emotion and become somewhat cold hearted in order to get on with things. I do this because I have always had to close off emotion. It began when I was little. Abused by my real father at a young age and continually beaten, cut and even getting multiple cigarette burns all over my body from my own biological father really takes a toll on someone. To top this off, I was also abused verbally and emotionally by him as well. This continued til I was 13-14, then one day, I made my peace with it. I beat the living fuck out of him. Breaking 6-7 ribs and blackening both of his eyes, I was there to kill him. I snapped as my little brother walked in and saw me holding a knife to my father. I had zoned out in the whole process. Instantly, my emotion left my mind and drifted out to somewhere. I had learned how to recognize how to stop things.
I never really had a father. My step father was always a business man. He was also a jock. So, I was forced to play sports and be very good at them, do well in school, go to church unwillingly and even "look" appropriate when we were out in town. Now, dont get me wrong, he is the best man I could ever ask for as a father....but, the actual "father/son" relationship didnt really start with him until after I was divorced and he realized that I was ok. I love him dearly......
Back to what I was saying earlier though. I appreciate my time I had with my past girlfriend and her family. They were great people, and I learned a lot about myself in the relationship with her. One day things went downhill though. I had to cut off emotion so I wouldnt feel any pain from anything. I do this very well. People sometimes think I am emotionally twisted, but I dont think they really understand why and what I mean when I say it. I hope this post kinda gives you all an idea why I do some of the things I do. I think about these people daily and live with scars from my past....but you know, I am happy these days. I havent spoken to my "real father" in years. He tried to make things better once, but it never stuck....you can only forgive, but never forget. I just try to make the best of every situation I get into. Somedays, I might not make the best decisions, but I have done well in my 28 years of life. I am a survivor......and always will be.....
My path is before me....It holds great rewards, all of them are within my reach....and I will reach them all, as I hope you all do as well.
forever and a day
cameron
I also have something else to say about it though. I think I need to talk about what I ment by saying "you are dead to me, or that time never existed". Well, in saying this, I didnt mean that I forgot everything we all did together. The holidays, the birthdays, the cruise and even just hangin out. I made that statement only for myself. I have to close off emotion and become somewhat cold hearted in order to get on with things. I do this because I have always had to close off emotion. It began when I was little. Abused by my real father at a young age and continually beaten, cut and even getting multiple cigarette burns all over my body from my own biological father really takes a toll on someone. To top this off, I was also abused verbally and emotionally by him as well. This continued til I was 13-14, then one day, I made my peace with it. I beat the living fuck out of him. Breaking 6-7 ribs and blackening both of his eyes, I was there to kill him. I snapped as my little brother walked in and saw me holding a knife to my father. I had zoned out in the whole process. Instantly, my emotion left my mind and drifted out to somewhere. I had learned how to recognize how to stop things.
I never really had a father. My step father was always a business man. He was also a jock. So, I was forced to play sports and be very good at them, do well in school, go to church unwillingly and even "look" appropriate when we were out in town. Now, dont get me wrong, he is the best man I could ever ask for as a father....but, the actual "father/son" relationship didnt really start with him until after I was divorced and he realized that I was ok. I love him dearly......
Back to what I was saying earlier though. I appreciate my time I had with my past girlfriend and her family. They were great people, and I learned a lot about myself in the relationship with her. One day things went downhill though. I had to cut off emotion so I wouldnt feel any pain from anything. I do this very well. People sometimes think I am emotionally twisted, but I dont think they really understand why and what I mean when I say it. I hope this post kinda gives you all an idea why I do some of the things I do. I think about these people daily and live with scars from my past....but you know, I am happy these days. I havent spoken to my "real father" in years. He tried to make things better once, but it never stuck....you can only forgive, but never forget. I just try to make the best of every situation I get into. Somedays, I might not make the best decisions, but I have done well in my 28 years of life. I am a survivor......and always will be.....
My path is before me....It holds great rewards, all of them are within my reach....and I will reach them all, as I hope you all do as well.
forever and a day
cameron