The House of Cam

I am so sick of things you have no idea....I live my life day by day and watch things pass me by. People say the funniest things and do the strangest of nothing. They have no concept of being alive....I want to fuck. I want to pull my brain out of my head and turn it into mush...I have yet to live and yet I live for others....its a retorical thing if you ask Cam....I miss people in my past and think about what I should become...I do not know what the future holds unles you are one of the chosen ones by me....

I feel like a dead man walking....nothing to live for, nothing to praise for, and nothing to dream about....my life is nothing, and yet something and that is confusing. I do not know what I do and what time period I behold, but I do miss everything I have experienced....

I am fucking burnt out. I wake up everyday and see the same thing. experience the same things, live the life I have for the past 29 years and nothing seems to change....I miss my life as a husband and a good man...I think about times with my neighbor, the sand on the beach in west palm and what she is doing....what the fuck and I supposed to do .... nothing around me matters except 2 minutes of life at the present time... I so do not want to live life the way I do now....think of it as a cutting experience....so much pain and yet so much love that divides what I know. Maybe I am fucked up or something, but i do know one thing....I am yet to be here...I am nothing...I am a lost soul, a free spirit waiting for something better to occur....a life less lived. A life lost between the middle and the one that came in second....FUck this....Fuck everything and fuck people that have no idea how to live....I am one of them....do you think I am happy? Yes I am ... but its a funny way to live my life if you ask me...

time is nothing but a day... a second... a memory....I wish I had them all again to repeat...I would do things so different....

goodnight lovers...

.............shit.

is the worst disease anyone can have. I have it. It fucking sucks. For years, I was able to sleep well at night...and now nothing. I am lucky to get 2 hours of sleep a night until one night/day a month my body shuts down and I sleep for 14-15 hours straight. This is IF I am lucky....really lucky...

For all of you who dont know what its like to have insomnia, let me tell about it. Imagine a long day at work, you go home and have dinner and then polish things up around the house. The normal bedtime rolls around lets say by 11.30pm. If I lay in bed, I lay there staring at the ceiling looking around and thinking about the day. I try to close my eyes and nothing happens as I start to hear things. Strange things around me. The slightest sound will cause your eyes to flash open. It's now 2.18 am.

Its like you are sleeping but you are awake. At least that is what your body thinks....have you ever seen digital cable and everyonce in awhile little squares shuffle across the screen? Its now 3.22 am.

A series of grids and digital images rattle across my vision. My eyes feel like they are on fire all the time, with their dry chapped feeling. Another hour has passed - now its 4.30 am. I have to be up in 3 hours.

Suddenly, I awake and its 5.33 - another passed and things around me seem like their spinning. I have to be up in less then 2 hours and daylight is now popping into my window....the dream you just had seems like you were really there, except you cannot remember it in 4 minutes. Toss and turn, put a pillow on your head.....It's 6.15 am. The room is bright, and a sudden kick of where you are awakens you even closer to being coherent....but your not.

Alarm goes off .... 7.00 am. Time for work.

Time for another day to begin, time to fade in and out all throughout the day and be unaware of anything you thought of the day before; the decisions you made and the things you said to others seem like they were 8 days ago and nothing seems possible.

Welcome to insomnia. The eye burning mind trick that makes our lives shorter.....

has happened again... It's been a long time in waiting, but I think you all should hear the new Nine Inch Nails single, The Hand That Feeds.

A raw, more driven single then NIN has ever released, THTF is a mix of old school electronica mixed with live drums and guitars. The keyboards are ripping and edgy with their cupping sound that follows up into Trent Reznors angst. His vocals are more on then in any previous albums. It seems to be more natural for him and this my friends is what NIN has needed. I cannot wait to hear the whole album on May 3rd.

Take a listen here.

Well, I thought since I had a brief moment I would post a little sum sum. I dont have a lot to say about anything really, I just felt like I wanted to post something. I am sure that there are few of you left that even check this blog but for all you that do, I appreciate it and apologize I haven't given some insight into me for awhile....I will work on that after I move. So, here is the update you all have been waiting for....

I bought a new house in Nixa, Missouri. I am staying here for now, at least til I can get settled and make some money and decisions about life. I haven't really concentrated on me the past 4 years and I have been in constant battle with trying to please everyone around me. I hate doing that, but its in my nature of giving I guess. Its frustrating when you think they will be there for you, but in the long run they are not....I am not speaking in specifics, just in general. I think this is human nature really. Something that we all have to deal with and put up with.

So, my new house is larger then my last one. I close on the 22nd of April and begin the pain staking move again. I am happy about moving down there for several reasons. My buddy Mark lives down there and owns a business down there that is really going to help define part of Mojeepin.com. He can also help me get the studio set up the way it should be. We grew up together, lost track of each other and now we talk almost weekly. Its a nice feeling to have a good person in your life from your past like that.

Another reason I am happy about moving down there is the fact that the house is "brand-new". Its not even done yet. It will be done by close, but its just the simple fact that everything I build or do to the house will add equity and with me working 2 jobs, all the money I make when I sell the house will be mine to further my advances. Plus, being down there is an isolation thing for me too. I get to hide in my own world away from all the fuckers that jacked up my life the past 3 years in the patch....(you all know whom I am talking about)....

The album is on hold til after the move. I am redefining it in a way that is very unique and it needs more time. I know you all have been waiting on it for awhile ... and I promise I will get to work on it as soon as my privacy fence is built for the boys.

Scuba Steve has tons of new parts for his likings. I have yet to install any of them, b/c I have been so fucking swamped, but I think he will be happy with my choices I have made for him. I also just bought a new digital camera last night. Now I can take pics of the installs and work them into the Jeep site and have some nice content. Its not much, but a Kodak CX EasyShare 7330. I will write it off as a business expense next year along with a few other things I have bought for the site.

I also wanted to give a shout out to my bud Mindis. I hope you are doing ok girl, and keep your chin up. Let the music drive you and become whom you have always wanted to be.

I also want to say hi to Neighborgirl and my West Palm beach buddies. I miss talking to you both and I hope all is well in your lives.

Neighborgirl = cant wait to hang with ya when you come home. I am anxious to see how my pregnant old neighbor is doing these days! Miss you and love always!

Westpalm = I hope all is well and tell the kitties I said hello and give my love to the turtles. I wish I could be down there chillin on the beach drinkin a cold one with ya.

Birthdays suck by the way. I didn't spend any of mine with my friends....only family (which isnt bad, I was just busy and wanted to hang with you all)

One last shout before I go....and this one is the most important hate filled shout you all will ever hear me say.....so if you get offended by reading things.....you might stop now and close the window.

To A: ....I wish you a miserable fucking life. I hope you never see me again, talk to me again or fucking exist. You are one of the biggest liars and cheats I have ever known and you deserve to be punished by your reflecting god for your hypocritical ways. I hope your marriage goes sour (like the last ones), and you stay away from me and my life forever. If you happen to phone me again...I will put a restraining order on your stank ass and lock your ass up in jail. You are a crazy bitch with emotional fucking issues that will never be normal until you wake up and smell the shit that life has to offer. Your way of life and the decisions you have made with using people for money and to fulfill your needs based will get you no where but purgatory....Now, since you are little miss know-it-all to your god, you should know what that means..... You are a desecration to your GOD.


So, welcome back to the house of cam....I am back and in full speed. I hope you all enjoy...and i welcome your comments....

peace and hair grease
cam