Sundays are weird.
Most of my Sundays I wake up late morning/early afternoon's. Today was no exception. I had a quaint time last night - nothing more then usual. The drinking seems to calm me, and yet it angers me at the same time. I think about how much money I waste and the fact that cmas is upon us. 5 days to be exact. I realize that I cant afford to do the things I would like to do for my friends. In fact, I wont be able to do anything for them this year due to several reason. Drinking. Moving. Bills. It sucks, and it makes me feel like a loser in most ways. This year, I cant help it and that realization kinda hurts. This is also the first year at Cmas that I am single. Single as all can be. I have no one to be by my side this year. I have to admit last year with A, was very nice. We got along really well outside of the bullshit fights we had. They were minute and yet they were drastic. It's sad to think about, so I wont go there.
I don't really know where to go in this post. I just feel like I needed to talk. I have had a ton on my mind the past week. Everything from moving to being alone. Hating my job doesn't help I guess either though...that seems to be really dragging me down. I have a huge project due this week. It will actually bring me a lot of props at my job, but I don't care. I don't care about waking up and sitting at the damn computer all day. I have other things going on in my head. Movements, music and even a feeling of loss. I cant place my finger on anything specific to change or how I literally feel right now. It just seems like my mind is on overload and yet, I am so done.
Strange things happen when you don't do things. I got a call from someone tonight that I was thinking about moving to go be with. This was the whole Kansas City theme I went through for about a couple of weeks. To be honest, I don't know where I will go...that scares me. I want to know. I want to have a drive. A direction. Seems I cant make up my mind on where to take my travels. I always know Colorado will be awesome. I will do well there. Something though, makes me stop everytime she calls or emails me...which she did, both in one day. The email read "So now you have fallen off the face of the earth!! Everything OK?????". I didn't call her back or email her back. But I still wonder about her and the possibilites....so to answer the email in a nice way.... Yes I have fallen off the face of the earth for you it seems...Now you know how I felt when I phoned and emailed you all the time and never heard back for a few weeks. It feels like shit. Am I ok....No! I am not ok. I am having frustrations that no one person can seem to fix except for me. Those ideas, those clues of life and hints of direction are doing nothing to me but making me separate reality from non. I am a dreamy person. A free spirit. I also am a two sided person with a mind that changes all the time. I am held back and it is pissing me off.
My attitude right now for a lot of things is really simple: ACT LIKE YOU CARE WHEN ITS CONVENIENT FOR YOU. I WILL GET BACK TO YA. Think about it....I do.
I need a sign.
cam
I don't really know where to go in this post. I just feel like I needed to talk. I have had a ton on my mind the past week. Everything from moving to being alone. Hating my job doesn't help I guess either though...that seems to be really dragging me down. I have a huge project due this week. It will actually bring me a lot of props at my job, but I don't care. I don't care about waking up and sitting at the damn computer all day. I have other things going on in my head. Movements, music and even a feeling of loss. I cant place my finger on anything specific to change or how I literally feel right now. It just seems like my mind is on overload and yet, I am so done.
Strange things happen when you don't do things. I got a call from someone tonight that I was thinking about moving to go be with. This was the whole Kansas City theme I went through for about a couple of weeks. To be honest, I don't know where I will go...that scares me. I want to know. I want to have a drive. A direction. Seems I cant make up my mind on where to take my travels. I always know Colorado will be awesome. I will do well there. Something though, makes me stop everytime she calls or emails me...which she did, both in one day. The email read "So now you have fallen off the face of the earth!! Everything OK?????". I didn't call her back or email her back. But I still wonder about her and the possibilites....so to answer the email in a nice way.... Yes I have fallen off the face of the earth for you it seems...Now you know how I felt when I phoned and emailed you all the time and never heard back for a few weeks. It feels like shit. Am I ok....No! I am not ok. I am having frustrations that no one person can seem to fix except for me. Those ideas, those clues of life and hints of direction are doing nothing to me but making me separate reality from non. I am a dreamy person. A free spirit. I also am a two sided person with a mind that changes all the time. I am held back and it is pissing me off.
My attitude right now for a lot of things is really simple: ACT LIKE YOU CARE WHEN ITS CONVENIENT FOR YOU. I WILL GET BACK TO YA. Think about it....I do.
I need a sign.
cam
I think you do need a sign. This would help you a little. I think just thinking it out and going with whatever happens in the next few months is the best you can do for the time being. It's hard, I know. You are good at keeping things on your mind and thinking about your problems. They also work themselves out. I think about the problems that have arisen in the time I've known you and how you've dealt with all of them - just like you'll deal with this.
Cmas isn't about the gifts. It's about family and friendship. I wish I was going to be closer to hang with you over the holiday, but I'll be back the day the following Monday, and we can go and do our thing. Whatever that might be. You shouldn't feel like a loser. Money doesnt make you who you are. It's your personality and your friendship that make you who you are to me. Try not to stress right now. At least for the next two weeks, try not to stress out over things. Just go with the flow and enjoy life. You've got lots of time to stress, and there's no need to do it right now.
Maybe the lack of phone call is the best thing for you. I think you know that, and I know what we've talked about, and you need to move for you. It's important. Be it Colorado or anywhere else, make sure you do it for the right reasons. I kind of think moving for someone else at this point in your life wouldn't be right for you, judging from all the things we've discussed in the past. The world is wide open to you and you have so many options. Take it one step at a time and it will all work out. I have nothing but faith in you and your ability to get through things. Once the new year starts, you'll see that the money issues will not be as bad and that things will start to even out. I think you know this as well. Sometimes its hard not to focus on how things are crappy right now, but look at the future and all the great things that are opening up for you. You've got a great path ahead of you, and not being able to see it isn't the worst thing ever. That might take a little of the fun out of it - knowing what is going to happen. Regardless of where I go or what I do, I'm here for you, bud. Just keep that in mind.
Posted by
Byagi |
10:47 AM